Wednesday, May 2, 2012
some mental shit...
i know everyone is different, thank god, and i wanted to talk about the mental shit in regards to my MS.
when i first became disabled, i had a lot of issues coming to terms. the whole gamut of stages to go through....the grief, the anger, blah blah blah...
but, in addition to mourning my mobility, i had a couple of new monkey wrenches thrown in due to sclerosis.
in 2009, i was diagnosed with major depression. now, this was kind of a two parter. i was indeed depressed because i could no longer walk, hop, skip, jump, balance, etc....but, i had also been explained by my neuro that i had lesions in an area of my brain which managed my emotions. yay.
so, i was upset with that knowledge mainly because i was throwing a pity party and thinking, 'i can't even have my own depression? MS is a fucking dictator. but, after a year, i got over it. in that year I began chemotherapy. novantrone. scary shit, for me anyway. perhaps i dealt and came to terms a little? perhaps chemo lessened the inflammation and the depression waned? maybe MS was a jealous little bitch and wanted to be the star of the show? who knows. depression took a hike, and anxiety reared its ugly ass head. i hate anxiety...i actually hate it more than MS. what an awful, awful thing. i was actually most likely predisposed for some epic anxiety. anxiety/panic disorders run rampant in my family.
my neuro prescribed me xanax, which is actually the only rx that i take on a daily/as needed basis. my poor little amygdala kicks into overdrive and doesn't know when to call it quits until i slap it with a benzo.
my neuro also explained how it is actually quite common for newly disabled folks to develop anxiety issues. i suppose in pat because we are programmed to survive, and since the all knowing brain knows i am crippled...it is in constant sentinel survival mode. like, my sense of smell is amazing, my hearing is epic....it could be in my head, but i seem much more in tuned with my surroundings since i became a crippled gal.
MS definitely can deplete you of your dignity. MS can act like a thief in the night...or, a thief of always....it can alter your thought process.
..which, can actually be for the better. i don't like giving MS any positive credit, but i guess i have to. i sheds a new life, offers insight, and you can most definitely get deep inside of your own head and unlocks potential that you might not of tapped into because you were busy being a mobile person and motoring your ass off.
*i am not crapping on mobility, because it is a dream of mine to be able to walk again....and drive...
but, mate...just maybe....it is because of MS that I paint, write, take courses, learned to knit (knit myself a badass hollie bobbie blanket)....those things....prior to disability, i didn't have time for. or, i would have ever bothered with. who knows. i suppose it all boils down to perspective.