Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Keep it real....fake

I don't know about you and holidays.....but after the first of the year I leave the season feeling muddied, dirtied....a fucking hypocrite.

Family, significant others family.  People.  People that I would, under any other circumstances, never spend a moment with.  Don't be might offend them, hurt their feelings, crush their dreams, decimate their delusion, cause them to feel vulnerable, pop their fucking bubble....etc.
I seriously feel like I lived a Facebook life this past know? I.e. there wasn't an 'unlike' button.
Nope.  Don't disagree.....even if they talk some seriously deranged shit.  Do not take a side, of ANY fucking perspective, lest you wanna leave someone feeling miffed up.
Christ.  I had a blowhard fundamentalist in my home going OFF about the evil of homosexuality and I could not have an opinion.  Guess what?  I was, for many years, in a relationship with a woman.

But, you gotta keep the peace.  You gotta keep your mouth shut.  You gotta save face. You gotta.

I walk away from this past holiday season feeling like a phony. Feeling like I burned the wick at both ends. Feeling like I lost part of myself. Feeling like a sellout.  Because I had to keep hitting the real life 'like' button. What a fucking crock.  Am I some sociopath because I have an emphirical opinion?  Am I a nut job troublemaker because I am pragmatic?

No.  I am a self sellout because I smiled at those people.  I spread my integrity thin because I grit my teeth and left the room.

I never get the warm fuzzier.  I will never win an academy award....but I still feel like a monumental piece of shit.  Nothing is worse than hating your own reflection.  Interpersonal relationship dynamics.  Relationship diplomacy.   That, I suppose, is a must.  (sigh).

It just has never been my way of thinking or conducting myself.  In my life, I have told my own mother my true feelings. I tell people when they piss me off, I have no problems engaging people.  I am blunt and honest.  But not this past weekend.....not for Christmas.  I wasn't any different than them.

I know....they say 'be the bigger person', 'kill them with kindness', etc.
But sorry, my pragmatism is showing when I don't believe you fight fire with fight it with water, man.  Cover it. Douse it. Extinguish it. Put it fucking out. asshole.


  1. Don't let it happen again.
    I had a similar holiday, and now I have some shit hanging over my head I wish I had said.

    Thank you for mentioning Lhermitte's sign (it does suck).
    I was using the wrong terminology when researching.
    Take care.

  2. That was one of my first symptoms, most disturbing symptoms, and definitely a warning symptom.
    I count on that as a signal I am over tired, over heated, over...anything. It basically let's me know I need to chill the fuck out and relax.
    I liked your description of it, I have always used bungee cords....
    Either way, nobody will get it unless they got it.