I don't know about you and holidays.....but after the first of the year I leave the season feeling muddied, dirtied....a fucking hypocrite.
Family, significant others family. People. People that I would, under any other circumstances, never spend a moment with. Don't be yourself....you might offend them, hurt their feelings, crush their dreams, decimate their delusion, cause them to feel vulnerable, pop their fucking bubble....etc.
I seriously feel like I lived a Facebook life this past weekend....you know? I.e. there wasn't an 'unlike' button.
Nope. Don't disagree.....even if they talk some seriously deranged shit. Do not take a side, of ANY fucking perspective, lest you wanna leave someone feeling miffed up.
Christ. I had a blowhard fundamentalist in my home going OFF about the evil of homosexuality and I could not have an opinion. Guess what? I was, for many years, in a relationship with a woman.
But, you gotta keep the peace. You gotta keep your mouth shut. You gotta save face. You gotta.
I walk away from this past holiday season feeling like a phony. Feeling like I burned the wick at both ends. Feeling like I lost part of myself. Feeling like a sellout. Because I had to keep hitting the real life 'like' button. What a fucking crock. Am I some sociopath because I have an emphirical opinion? Am I a nut job troublemaker because I am pragmatic?
No. I am a self sellout because I smiled at those people. I spread my integrity thin because I grit my teeth and left the room.
I never get the warm fuzzier. I will never win an academy award....but I still feel like a monumental piece of shit. Nothing is worse than hating your own reflection. Interpersonal relationship dynamics. Relationship diplomacy. That, I suppose, is a must. (sigh).
It just has never been my way of thinking or conducting myself. In my life, I have told my own mother my true feelings. I tell people when they piss me off, I have no problems engaging people. I am blunt and honest. But not this past weekend.....not for Christmas. I wasn't any different than them.
I know....they say 'be the bigger person', 'kill them with kindness', etc.
But sorry, my pragmatism is showing when I don't believe you fight fire with fire....you fight it with water, man. Cover it. Douse it. Extinguish it. Put it fucking out.