colder than a witchs tit....

This is BB....my bad-ass pigeon.  He is actually much cuter than this in real life...not an easy animal to get a photo of....

Winter here....what a treat. 

Rommel & Liam......so cute its fucken sickening. bromantic, big time.

If a girl falls in the woods....

I was going to try to get all witty with a word play there, but I didn't.....

So, I have news....good-ish...for me.

Having 60+ acres of land, in the winter, in Vermont.....pretty daunting for a cripple, eh?  Holy hell, yes.  But, I had mentioned to y'all about my super bad ass four wheeler....

(this four wheeler is so seriously bad ass...and my dilemma was which celtics jersey number would I paint on it?  #5?  Cos similar to KG this is an incredible machine...a beast.  Or, #9?  Because of how fast it goes while weaving in and around obstacles....... Decided just to paint a shamrock on it. Yeah, I am a heinsohn prodigy.  Celtics bias coursing through the green blood flowing through my veins....blah blah blah)

Ok.  So, since we haven't bought chains for its tires yet.... But wanted to venture into the woods and gawk at the beauty under a blanket of snow....I thought "voila"... Years ago, when I was fully mobile, I had snow shoes because I was a go-go-go person.... Snow, sleet, sweltering heat...as long as it was outside.  Anyhow, I have the poles...so I figure, fuck it, why not try. I didn't have high hopes.  I really didn't.  About a foot of powdery snow....and a cripple with snow shoe poles.  In the woods, dude.

I got Rommel all set up in his nice bright yellow tshirt, because mother fuckers around here have a penchant for shooting people's German shepherds because they all 'look like coyotes'.  It just happened again recently a couple towns over. Sad.  Some hunter shot some woman's four year old German shepherd in HER YARD!  Yeah.  I don't trust anyone, so poor Rommel has to sport a tshirt until I get his OSHA orange dog safety vest ordered.   And, our land is posted....but, that didn't stop a hunter from shooting a doe out back and then dragging it to the road via our pseudo front yard. (we have a huge lawn span.....like a football field.....so, yeah, basically our front yard.  Whatever....I digress.

Back to the cripple with snow shoe poles and a foot of snow.  I cannot walk on my own.  I cannot stand on my own.  I cannot balance at all, and if I try to stand I end up bent at the hips to maintain any type of balance to stay on my feet.  Figured the poles would be good.  We started our journey across the front yard, to the wood line, and then there is a bit of a hill, and once up it, there is a flattish trail that wraps around and finally comes around way behind the house.  That was my goal.  Just to do that little bit. Glenn walks it in about ten minutes. Ten minutes. Took me an hour.  But, I fucking did it.  I was coasting on fumes for the final stretch.  How victorious.  I fell, a few times.  Rommel walking over and looking at me like 'wtf are you doing?'.

I could elaborate on how difficult is was.  I could get dramatic and dish on my internal dialogue.  I could get poetic, but I won't.  I try to be succinct...but meander.

Bottom line, I did it.  I had promised myself that I would try, with very little expectations.  That if I couldn't, that I wouldn't verbally vivisect myself.  I promised I wouldn't be in denial about it. I wouldn't cry......I promised myself I would concede and move on.  But, I did it.  A ten minute walk in an hour.  Thank you snow shoe poles..... I kinda feel human.  I got to do something normal...ish.

Keep it real....fake

I don't know about you and holidays.....but after the first of the year I leave the season feeling muddied, dirtied....a fucking hypocrite.

Family, significant others family.  People.  People that I would, under any other circumstances, never spend a moment with.  Don't be yourself....you might offend them, hurt their feelings, crush their dreams, decimate their delusion, cause them to feel vulnerable, pop their fucking bubble....etc.
I seriously feel like I lived a Facebook life this past weekend....you know? I.e. there wasn't an 'unlike' button.
Nope.  Don't disagree.....even if they talk some seriously deranged shit.  Do not take a side, of ANY fucking perspective, lest you wanna leave someone feeling miffed up.
Christ.  I had a blowhard fundamentalist in my home going OFF about the evil of homosexuality and I could not have an opinion.  Guess what?  I was, for many years, in a relationship with a woman.

But, you gotta keep the peace.  You gotta keep your mouth shut.  You gotta save face. You gotta.

I walk away from this past holiday season feeling like a phony. Feeling like I burned the wick at both ends. Feeling like I lost part of myself. Feeling like a sellout.  Because I had to keep hitting the real life 'like' button. What a fucking crock.  Am I some sociopath because I have an emphirical opinion?  Am I a nut job troublemaker because I am pragmatic?

No.  I am a self sellout because I smiled at those people.  I spread my integrity thin because I grit my teeth and left the room.

I never get the warm fuzzier.  I will never win an academy award....but I still feel like a monumental piece of shit.  Nothing is worse than hating your own reflection.  Interpersonal relationship dynamics.  Relationship diplomacy.   That, I suppose, is a must.  (sigh).

It just has never been my way of thinking or conducting myself.  In my life, I have told my own mother my true feelings. I tell people when they piss me off, I have no problems engaging people.  I am blunt and honest.  But not this past weekend.....not for Christmas.  I wasn't any different than them.

I know....they say 'be the bigger person', 'kill them with kindness', etc.
But sorry, my pragmatism is showing when I don't believe you fight fire with fire....you fight it with water, man.  Cover it. Douse it. Extinguish it. Put it fucking out.

See......total asshole.